V Necks in Graceland

**This was originally posted in response to a response to a comment I made at brightsideblog.com which is hosted, much like a Cotillion, by Ruth Peterson who's a pretty funny broad when she's not being a total drag. Go there and be equally, if not more so, entertained.

My dear dear easily distracted friend….

I apologize for not really “getting into it” as it were so let me see if I can make this more patently clear for you.

I still own several V’s that are scattered all about my home from the minute you walk in the front door (much to my 94 year old landladies chagrin who puts up with it though she does increase the rent with great regularity).

Entering my home is much like entering Graceland in many ways. Most importantly it is a sad experience for the true fan. My tours start as early as six am and go until I have to call the police AND you have to book your “TOUR” about five years in advance…I’m that intriguing a fella.

It also starts across the street where you can find my mom and siblings cooking and singing respectively. There are many items to buy there. For instance, there are several V’s I wore around the world and they are hermetically sealed so they are still soaking wet with the sweat of yours truly. And the teenage girls literally can’t seem to get enough of them. Truth be told, not all of them are genuine artifacts that once adorned my Herculean chest. I give them to my brothers (especially Billy who sweats like an overweight 60 year old pregnant woman in an Ironman contest on the Equator) when they are heading out on tour to soak them “Real Good”. They are kind enough to do this but don’t be fooled. They get a healthy percentage of the cover charge and I often have to do them favors I don’t think your readers really want to know about as that may give them visions they can not ever get out of their heads. I myself spend the majority of my time with my therapist trying to exorcise them from my already rotting brain.

Just crossing the street to get to the “Goods” is much like “Crossing Jordan”! It’s a dangerous endeavor and not one I recommend for the faint of heart. First there are the local thugs to deal with and they like their job. Then there is the Crocodile, Piranha, Great White Shark and Herby the Love Bug infested moat to navigate. If you make it past either of these first two obstacles (and if you do you are a better MAN then my roommate Sally) there is the aforementioned four foot zero inch, 94 year old, cane wielding, Iron Fisted Portuguese landlord named Antonia who doesn’t take her job lightly at all…frankly she is tired of it which makes her all that much more dangerous a foe. She does offer you a headset for a nominal fee (which I don’t get a cut of) as a sort of self guided walk through experience with my warming voice to accompany you through which will no doubt be the only experience you will ever need again (We offer loaded shotguns to those quick enough to grasp this fact and even someone to do the deed for you if you can’t handle it yourself).

However, once past the Thugs, the Moat and the “Little Lady” things get very exciting indeed. First off, the stairs are adorned with many 7" recordings I had little or nothing to do with. They get stolen pretty much everyday and I simply go to some record store in Wisconsin and buy more…most of which are from the 50’s and early 60’s but no one seems to make the connection that they were recorded by “Artists” well before I was born (but it’s a small price to pay and, hey, I kinda like Wisconsin…big fan of cheese and football).

As you reach the second and third floors you are greeted angrily by a giant replica of “Shakes the Clown” who is quite obviously nonplussed. But he seems to get over it quickly as he too is ADD.

And then it happens!!!! You are welcomed into my home by whatever homeless friend of mine needs the money and ALL the magic of Disney World (or “Land” if you come from the West Coast) is right there for your taking. It’s “A Whole New World”…really…I mean that!! There are, however, ropes to your left and right (again, much like Graceland) to keep you “On Track” and guide you into my bedroom. You are asked to wait patiently at the door and then you are free to rummage through only one of my dresser drawers lined exclusively with V Neck T’s. I warn you though that the armpits of them all are yellow at best. Then you are asked to go down the back stairwell where you will have to climb out a very small window (that’s where the shotguns are).

I hope you enjoyed your visit. Please come again soon unless you are dead!!

“Was that clear enough…or was I being too obtuse???”